The Unraveling of a Marriage
Divorce, once rare and stigmatized, has become increasingly common. With 42 percent of marriages ending in divorce, it’s clear that many people will face this life-changing experience at some point. Each marriage is unique, and so is every divorce. In this article, a 54-year-old lawyer shares her story of how she decided to leave her husband after realizing he would never change.
A Difficult Decision
A month before lockdown began, the lawyer gave her husband an ultimatum: “pick us – or pick her.” After months of hesitation, he still wouldn’t choose, leading her to say, “I pick my children.” This was the moment she stopped trying to save the marriage, which had lasted 20 years.
Shortly after, her husband flew to America to be with the woman he had been secretly seeing for three years. Meanwhile, she was left to deal with the emotional damage done to their three children.
This wasn’t the first time her husband had been unfaithful. Looking back, she admits she should have been more cautious from the start. They met while working on the same ward, and although they got along well, she wasn’t initially interested in a romantic relationship. He was in a relationship at the time, but he told her it was over, claiming his girlfriend didn’t understand him.
At 28, she was living in her own flat in London. Within six months, he proposed, and they married soon after. He was smart, ambitious, and driven, but as his career progressed, he became more difficult to live with. He was often stressed, tired, and grumpy.
When their third child was born, they decided it was best for the family if she stopped working. That’s when things started to change. She discovered his first affair when the oldest child was five. He was increasingly attached to his phone, claiming he was busy with work, but she sensed something was wrong. Eventually, he admitted to having an affair with a subordinate colleague. She was devastated, but she didn’t consider ending the marriage.
He was very convincing, promising that it would never happen again. He was strict with the children and prioritized keeping the family together over anything else. However, she was also influenced by her circumstances. She went from being a professional, financially independent woman to a stay-at-home mother, which left her in a vulnerable position.
Financial Vulnerability
She believed that deferring financial control was a sign of trust, something stable couples did. In hindsight, she realized she had lost all independence and agency. It wasn’t until things started to fall apart that she understood how little she knew and how much she had given up.
She deeply regrets not taking a more active role in their finances during the marriage. The only other affair she knew about was the one that ended the marriage. Her husband was often away, traveling internationally, and for the previous 18 months, she suspected something was wrong, but he always insisted he was just busy and tired.
Then, her husband messaged her, revealing that her husband was having an affair with his wife. He sent her a photo of them together, which her 13-year-old daughter found when playing on her phone. It was a traumatic moment.
When she discovered the affair had been going on for three years, she felt utterly stupid, ashamed, and guilty. She felt like an idiot for trusting him again. There was a lot of sadness and distress, but even then, he might have convinced her to stay. They had been married for 18 years and were planning to move to America because he said he had been head-hunted for a job there. In reality, he just wanted to be near the other woman.
The Aftermath
It was a traumatic year. The children were upset and shocked, hating their father for leaving. He was angry at being caught out and acted as if he was the wronged party. He told the children it was their fault he was leaving, blaming them for letting him down as a family.
She defended him endlessly, begging the children to forgive him, even though he was being vile to them. Now, they see him for who he is and haven’t spoken to him for five years.
She didn’t feel strong enough to start the divorce process for a long time. He promised to make sure she was okay and said they didn’t need lawyers. He sent enough money to their joint account – the only account she had – for her to ignore the situation. Now she knows he was using the time to hide money, open new accounts, and transfer assets into his name.
She had made herself invisible when it came to their finances. She didn’t know what he earned or even their monthly expenses. Most of his income came from consultancy work, going into an account in his name only. She didn’t know the answers to any of the questions asked by lawyers, as if she was walking into a life she had been living but didn’t really understand.
Realizing Financial Abuse
It wasn’t until her lawyers pointed out that what she was experiencing was financial abuse that she realized the extent of the control and deception. There’s a real correlation between taking a “back seat” financially and the way things escalated during the divorce. The financial imbalance wasn’t accidental; it was coercive.
When she finally got a lawyer, he was reluctant to provide financial disclosure. He lied and became angry that she wanted to do things properly. They discovered hidden bank accounts with hundreds of thousands of pounds. By the time the divorce was finalized last year, her main priority was staying in the family home for the sake of the children, and she agreed to a settlement that was quite unfair. He has a huge amount of money but gives them just a fraction.
Now the dust is settling, and the slow work of rebuilding has begun. Her focus remains on making sure the kids are okay. They have been through a lot, and they are the priority. She wishes she had prioritized them over the idea of a family, which blinded her to what was actually happening.